My heart.

Do you ever have a moment where you feel like you're finally realizing your authentic self? I'm writing this as I try to find really good new music to listen to. I used to spend hours upon hours every week in high school doing the very same thing, albeit by very different means (Spotify didn't exist back then but Yahoo Music did - anyone remember that?!). I'm not suggesting that your authentic self is some old version of who you were but for me, some things have always been true of my "self." I would never want to go back to being who I was in high school though I think that person was genuinely good, I have grown so much over the past 14+ years (holy crap, high school was 14 years ago). I guess it really hit me this morning because I was told yesterday that the results of my cardiology tests "worried" my incredibly smart and compassionate cardiologist. She also mentioned the word mortality in relation to my life more times than I care to remember. After being diagnosed with ARVC in June of 2016 and then watching my Nannie die from ARVC in August 2016, I am not sure I fully felt the seriousness of that diagnosis. Or maybe I have been in denial. I think I am still in denial because I still woke up also thinking "it can't be that bad, my mortality can't be that much of a possibility." But then I remember how yesterday my cardiologist also said that I don't really have ARVC, but ARVC Type 5 but it's much worse than that and just some sort of genetic arrhythmia that could kill me at 2am after waking up from a nightmare that accelerated my heart rate just a little too much and threw me into ventricular tachycardia. But will that really happen? Could it really happen? I guess it really does sound like I'm in denial. Oops.

Maybe this is one of those times when I need to take things one day at a time but it feels more like one second at a time. The anxiety I feel this morning is already elevating my heart rate which is the last thing I want. I also don't want to have an ICD implanted into my heart soon (my expectations were set for after age 30 but I'm still just 27) but I feel like it's the unspoken thing everyone wants for me sooner rather than later (i.e. before I unexpectedly go into v-tach and die in my sleep or during a brisk walk or after doing some low impact squats or during a panic attack thinking about whether or not this is really a big deal). I don't know why I'm resisting something that will help save or prolong my life. It's a surgery and I've never had surgery. It's a foreign object that will live inside my body that might malfunction or go off at the wrong time leaving me with PTSD (as it has my for my Mom) or I might get an infection that won't heal or it will look ugly and people will stare or treat me with pity. Or all of those things might happen but at least I will be alive. But I've also struggled with depression and suicidal ideation for most of my life and I've never been able to picture a future with me in it. Maybe this is why. So, maybe I need to stop being a selfish brat and get the damn ICD implanted before something does happen and the people I love have to live without me. I know I couldn't live without Riley (my sister and absolute best friend in the whole entire world) and she is facing the exact same reality as of yesterday though we haven't really talked so I don't know how she's dealing with this all and what exact thoughts she's having.

I guess I should eat something (though my stomach is already in knots) and decide if I can get away with dry shampoo so I don't have to get the CardioSTAT that's taped to my chest for the next 14 days to monitor my heart activity too wet. Dry shampoo it is and maybe a smoothie?